So, there have been many more times than two that life here has been really hard, but it’s the second journal entry with this name.
Life has been really hard this weekend. On Thursday, I was on Cloud 9, since my work was primarily done and I was on the home stretch. On Friday, I was depressed. I went out in the afternoon and evening and had a good time, but at the end of the night I was still sad. Saturday was the same story. Today, Sunday, I was sad again.
What’s the deal? I should be happy now that I’m on vacation. However, vacation is exactly what’s to blame.
Triggers and Consequential Thoughts: No schedule. No more classes. Not getting the random social interactions at school with the thousands of acquaintances I have. It’s the Christmas season. Too much time to think and reflect. Not having got as much exercise lately. Not having gone to church recently and missing the renewal that brings. Not having a church I really like. Being tired after a semester of hard work. An “expectations communications cultural” conflict with the family the other weekend; (it was resolved and it’s ok, but it was still a no win situation and uncomfortable.) Being reminded that I am a foreigner first of all. Communicating and interacting in a language I still haven’t mastered and in which there are still many things I don’t understand or miss. Knowing I have essays to turn into Bowling Green in August. Wanting to work ahead, but relax, hang out with people, help out in the house, travel, watch lots of movies, and wanting to do nothing, and yet something. Having too much free time. Not having people to travel with. Not being with my brothers and sister in laws during the holidays. Debating again and again about if I made the right decision to stay, or if I should change the plan, and then what I’ll miss out on if I go home. Not having Christmas as I know it and all that entails. Being reminded that I have primarily lots of fun social acquaintances, but not many close friends. Knowing that my social group of Intercambio are leaving. (At least there will be a few who will still be here.) Feeling like I should be in a better spot than I am and shouldn’t feel this way, but knowing that this moment would come. Knowing that it’s part of the process of living abroad, but that it sucks none the less.
Result: I’ve been a wreck. Crying. Trying to remedy the situation and still being down and at the point of tears. Feeling sad, lonely, sad… lonely, lonely, lonely….sad.
Ways I’ve tried to remedy the situation: Exercising, going out with people, crying, calling home to the US, thinking of how to use my time before and after my parents are here (i.e. Read Harry Potter #7 and other books in English to take my brain off things when everyone else is with their family), be intentional about initiating hanging out with classmates that I’d like to get to know more, debating about flying home after my parents are here and the pros and cons of that, and in the end buying a plane ticket (and I'll still have a little over two weeks here in Hermosillo while not in classes).
The good news: Although I will continue to struggle on and off with not having close friends here, I feel much better knowing that I’ll be with my brothers and family over the holiday during the part of vacation which would have been the hardest (post family through New Year’s). Sunday evening and Monday have gone MUCH better!
