This semester it is a change in expectations. I want and think that relationships should be better/easier/deeper, but they aren’t. I think and expect that because I have grown a lot in Spanish and have been here a semester that means I should have less of a struggle with Spanish. Hah! I think that school work and balance will be easier. I think last semester was easier. I think that I have forgotten the hard parts of last semester. Last semester I didn’t have many expectations, this semester I do and don’t just accept things or write things off just because “I’m in Mexico!” I expected that once 2nd semester started, things would be back to normal.
This semester is different. My primary social group has left /changed. I have new classes, professor, and some new classmates. I have had four different housemate changes in the last two weeks with people either coming and/or going ( thankfully having a room to myself has not been compromised). This semester I have work for BGSU in preparation of my qualifying exam in August, in addition to University of Sonora homework.
This semester so far has been anything but honeymoon. There has been a lot of negativity, stress, hurt, loneliness. (My aunt said that negativity is a good clue of cultural/life change or adjustment.)
Not to say that there aren’t good things. However, I will save that for another entry. I often like to wrap up things in a positive light, sometimes to minimize the struggle. Today, I’d rather it be a little more raw.
So here are some final thoughts that express my conflicting desires and feelings, specifically on relationships and work. Here they are....
- I want deep friendships, but I don’t want to be vulnerable and share that I am lonely. I don’t want to be lonely, but I am tired of the energy it takes for relationships. Nor do I have the time for all these relationships that I already have or want to have, but I still need and want these relationships.
- I like and don’t like acquaintances relationships: Sometimes I sick of talking about the same introductory things (hey foreigner, where you from, what are you doing here, how are classes, what are you doing this weekend, blah, blah, blah), but some days I am grateful for those conversations and they are just what I need.
- My relationship with the family is deeper than others due to the mere fact that I live with them and so in some ways it is easier to be comfortable, to invest in them, etc. However, it also means having pet peeves, forgiving, giving, or being intentional, especially on the days I would rather not.
- I need to work, I need to relax, I need to play. I need to have balance, but I am a perfectionist.
- I am glad I am in Mexico and a grad student, but I am not sure how to do both.
- One moment or day, all is well: I am outgoing, I am having fun, I feel good about the work I am doing and accomplishing, I am ok with the decisions I have made. The next, I am discouraged, sad, insecure, and /or lonely.
